Fic ~ Because It's Good To Talk!
Sep. 1st, 2009 03:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amh1988Tuesday, and chapter 09 has arrived people. Will Ninomiya’s prediction prove true? Is Aiba still smiling? And how is Sakurai fairing in his personal torment? I’m so cruel….
And this is getting posted at like 5AM because my sleep cycle is still a little funky. Also, beware the extra long authors note at the end of this chapter….
Title: Spiral (Chapter 09 ~ Justification)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance/Angst
Pairing: Sakurai/Aiba
Word Count: 2,800
Type: Multi-Chapter/Series
Summary: It’s finally time that our boys start talking to each other, don’t you think? Luckily, Aiba agrees and gets pro-active!
Prologue - Ouroborus - HERE
Chapter 01 - Parallels - HERE
Chapter 02 - Tempest - HERE
Chapter 03 - Philos - HERE
Chpater 04 - Sacrosanct - HERE
Chapter 05 - Discourse - HERE
Chapter 06 - Reminiscent - HERE
Chapter 07 - Divulgence - HERE
Chapter 08 - Exasperation - HERE
Disclaimer: I don’t own Arashi. I’m just using them to entertain myself.
Spiral
Chapter 09 ~ Justification
“You know, I understand that Arashi is doing really well right now, but….” Sequestered in a small barbeque restaurant in Sendai, the youngest member of Arashi was engaged in conversation with a member of the production staff. After a successful mini-live and interview for a music program, Arashi, their managers and various staff were relaxing over a meal in an establishment close to their hotel. “Somehow, don’t you think our older fans will get bored with interviews where they always ask us the same questions?”
The inexperienced employee debated Matsumoto’s point. “I don’t think so, no. I mean, Arashi always tries to give different and interesting answers, right?”
“That’s true, but how many variations can they think of to ask us which other member we would date? And how many ways can we answer when there are only four options?”
A few seats away and busy lining his stomach with grilled meat, Sakurai overheard this exchange. Chewing slowly, he thought back to the talk part of the show. When the question had come up, Matsumoto and Ninomiya had filled their responses with so much unlikely detail that the show had gone to commercial before anyone else was called upon. Truthfully, the caster was not sure if the men had done it for the sake of the group or if they were just being themselves. Either way, the effect was the same; Sakurai was grateful for that.
The few days preceding the event had been difficult for the young man. Since the ill-fated lunch with Masaki, Sho had noticed a change in the tall man. He had expected the cold-shoulder and instead received warm smiles. Aiba had said nothing of that day, yet he did not seem to hold a grudge. In fact, the younger man had been positively sparkling; sharing jokes and laughter with the group like a man on a permanent high.
The aura of giddy happiness was actually normal for the excitable young man. It was the contrast however, between this behaviour and his attitude immediately following the breakup that gave Sakurai pause. He was suddenly forced to realise that Satoshi had been correct and himself mistaken. The rapper had thought Aiba unaffected by the dissolution of their relationship, and that had injured his pride. Finally seeing Masaki truly being himself, the older man recognised his error.
This discovery had been painfully bittersweet. It was a relief to know that Aiba had cared about him and it gladdened Sakurai to see the lithe man so content. At the same time, he felt it was a sign of the younger man moving on and that their relationship really was over. The finality of that thought left him feeling cold inside. No matter how much his mind told him he had done the right thing, his heart did not want to believe it.
It could not be helped, Sho decided. Even if he could risk everything for his own sake, he had no right to do so. His clumsy actions had already threatened the stability of the group once; he would not do so again. He would not be so selfish as to upset the tentative new balance they had struck. He did not want to be responsible for any more pain.
“…listening to me Sho-kun? Sho-kun? Sakurai!”
Startled from his ruminations by the deep baritone of his manager, the young Idol jumped. “Eh? Uh, yes? What was that?”
The middle-aged man sighed tolerantly. “I said, it’s about time we check into the hotel; it’s late and most people have already left.”
“Oh?” Scanning the room, Sakurai could see the truth of the mans words. The crowd that had once filled the restaurant had thinned out considerably. Of the party, only the other members and their managers remained. “Ah, you’re right. Shall we go then?”
The educated Idol and his manager were not the only men making ready to leave; the other members seemed to have had the same idea. With practiced ease the celebrity men abandoned their respective managers to cover the bill and left together. The hotel was less than five-hundred yards away and the Idols formed a rowdy group as they walked the short distance.
Having reached their destination in short order, they waited in the lobby for their handlers to catch up. At check-in they learned that each member had been allocated a room to himself. It was a sign of Arashi’s current popularity to be treated so well, and the men aware of this. As they made their way up to the correct floor, they remarked favourably on this.
“Isn’t this crazy?” Ninomiya pointed out as they stepped from the elevator. “Including our managers and staff, we have an entire floor to ourselves.”
The eldest man shrugged. “But it’s only one night. We’re going back to Tokyo first thing in the morning.”
“Still…” Matsumoto broke in. “If you think about it, it wasn’t that long ago that we were lodging in hostels.”
Ninomiya nodded empathetically. “Exactly. And giving us separate rooms, even though it’s only one night, isn't that generous? I mean, it’s not like we’re not used to sharing and this hotel isn’t cheap either!”
Sakurai grinned at the younger man. “Why do I get the feeling that you’re going to leave here tomorrow with a bag full of miniature shampoos and soaps?” He teased.
“They’re free!” Ninomiya responded immediately; happy to mock his own penny-pinching ways in private. “And I’ve got access to a whole floor of them!”
When the laughter died down, the tallest man added his thoughts. “It’s really nice of the program staff, I know,” He smiled. “But a whole room each… isn’t that a bit much? It seems like such a waste.”
Pausing at the first door in the hallway, Jun clapped him on the back. “You shouldn’t think so much, Aiba-chan.” He grinned as he used his key-card to open the door. “It’s not your job to worry about the economy – leave that to Sho-kun.” On that teasing note, he bade his friends’ goodnight and disappeared into his room. Ohno and Ninomiya occupied the next two rooms respectively.
Sakurai’s room was the last in line, but as Aiba came to his room, he turned towards the older man. “Uh, Sho-chan, wait…”
The caster balked mid-step. “Y-yes?”
The young man was obviously trying to build up his courage. He took deep breaths and swallowed audibly before he could speak. “Um… actually… I just thought – you know, we haven’t really had a chance to be alone since….” Determinedly he squared his shoulders and cleared his throat. “Anyway, I want to talk to you. Can I?”
Nonplussed, Sakurai hesitated. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” He replied carefully. He vividly remembered what he had done the last time they were alone and he did not know if he could trust himself to be in a similar situation again.
“Please Sho-chan? It’s important. I… just – Just for a few minutes, I promise.” Having come this far, the tall man refused to back down now. “Really Sho-chan, I just want to talk. Will you come in?”
Defeated, Sakurai gave a small nod and preceded the man inside at Aiba’s gesture. He had no right to deny the man such a reasonable request. Besides, Aiba was correct; they did need to talk. The caster was not thrilled about having this discussion so soon, but he knew it had to be done. It was time he started taking care of the mess he had made of everything.
Within the privacy of the lavishly appointed hotel room, the two men stood facing each other. The silence stretched before them as they both mentally prepared for what was to come. To Sakurai, it felt vaguely like he was readying for battle. Only – he knew that this time – neither side would win. But he could not afford to run away anymore. He had to face the younger man and explain himself. Even if he could not tell the whole truth, a small measure of it might help put Aiba’s mind at ease.
“Aiba-chan,” He bit the bullet and spoke first. “I’m sorry, I know I didn’t handle things well and I….” Stumbling under the force of the others mans searching gaze, Sakurai took a deep breath and tried again. “I know it seemed sudden –– I never should have just stood you up like that. I haven’t been fair to you and I’m sorry. Can you… can you forgive me?”
“I was never angry at you.” The willowy man breathed. Slowly, he began to pace the room as the rapper nervously tracked his progress. “…I can’t be mad at you…. I just don’t understand. Did I do something wrong Sho-kun? Did I upset you somehow?”
The unexpected use of the slightly less familiar honorific on his name tore at the man almost as much as Aiba’s questions. “No, Aiba-chan.” He choked out. “No, it’s nothing like that.”
“Then what!?” The young man cried roughly, spinning to face the speechless caster. His eyes shone, fierce and wet, in the soft lamplight. “Why Sho-kun? If it’s about that girl, just tell me, that’s fine. If that’s your reason, I can handle it. I mean, I’ll get over it; I’m not going to hold it against you. But you never said Sho-kun, you never explained!”
Sakurai swallowed convulsively to work some moisture to his throat. At the sight of Aiba, forceful, indignant and demanding, his mouth had suddenly become very dry. “B-but I did say–”
“That you didn’t love me.” Aiba spoke over the top of him, bitterness colouring his voice. “That you never loved me. Yeah, I heard that.” He spat. “But that wasn’t the truth, was it? That was a lie. Please tell me that was a lie!”
Sakurai heard the desperate plea, but did not know how to respond. With a groan he looked away from the younger man. “It– it doesn’t matter anymore…”
“It matters! It does matter, Sho-kun. If that–” Aiba’s voice began to waver unsteadily. “If that wasn’t a lie, then that m-means… it means everything else was. Every time we were together, all things you said, all the stuff we did. Everything would become a lie.... And I don’t want that Sho-kun.” He continued gently as tears began to roll down his cheeks. “I don’t want everything to have been a… mistake. Not that, anything but that. I don’t want to think that none of it was real. It’s okay… it’s okay if you love someone else now, just don’t – don’t say that you never loved me.”
Aiba sank to slump at the edge of the bed on his last words and Sakurai ached. His own cheeks wet, he approached the other man cautiously. Holding himself taut, he crouched in front of the younger man. “I think you’re amazing Aiba-chan.” He murmured truthfully and soothingly. He had to fight to keep his voice from breaking on his words. “You’re kind and gentle. You try so hard to make other people happy and you never think about yourself. But you should. Because, someday, you will find someone who cares about you and you’ll get married and have your own family. You have so much to offer Aiba-chan; you’ll be an awesome father someday, you know? Didn’t you ever think about that? Don’t you ever think about your future?”
Masaki, although his pride was hurt by Sakurai’s paternal tone and evasion of the question, sensed something behind the other mans words. He could not define it exactly, but it was something that Sho had not said that gave him hope. He noticed that Sakurai had not mentioned the woman with whom he had shared a date. He also realised that the caster had only spoken of Aiba’s well-being, and that caused him to reconsider: Perhaps the man who needed reassurance was not himself, but Sakurai. Perhaps, if he could convince the caster of his feelings, Sho would come back to him.
“I did think about the future.” Masaki insisted stoutly. “All the time. Except it was our future; yours and mine. I thought about being with you forever. Even when we got old and we couldn’t really be Arashi anymore, I thought it wouldn’t be so bad because I’d still have you. That was the future I imagined.”
Thinking that the tall man was simply being stubborn – and dangerously tempted by his words – Sakurai got to his feet and turned away from the man. “What about family Aiba-chan?” He maintained. “If you chose that future, you would never have a family; never create a legacy.”
“What are you talking about!?” The tall man demanded in angry frustration as he too rose from his seat. “Arashi is my legacy!”
“What?” Surprised by Aiba’s vehemence, the rapper glanced at the man.
“Arashi has hundreds of thousands of fans who look up to us.” He went on recklessly. “Hundreds and thousands of people who know our names and will remember them! There are CD’s, TV shows and posters and all that other stuff that will make sure we won’t be forgotten. What better legacy is there than that!?”
The caster had never considered this angle and it shocked him that Masaki had. The argument very nearly destroyed every rationale he had for ending their relationship in the first place. There was still one point, however, that Sakurai felt was infallible. “It’s not the same.” He countered gruffly. “What about having your own children?”
Aiba found that his tears were now born of aggravation as he tried to get through to the older man. He made no effort to stem their flow as he casually dismissed Sho’s claim. “Whatever… if I ever feel the need to play daddy, I’ll just borrow my baby cousin for a few days.”
“Would that really be OK with you Aiba-chan!?” Sakurai cried desperately. “Your whole life, never being able to reveal your relationship? You just said you didn’t want everything to be a lie but – if you did that – your whole life would be.”
“Who cares!?” The younger man remained obstinate. “I’m a Jonny, remember? I’m used to keeping secrets; at least I would know the truth.”
The rapper felt himself weaken. “You deserve better than that Masaki…” He breathed with a shake of his head.
“That isn’t about what I deserve; it’s about what I want!”
“Than what do you want!?” He yelled helplessly.
“You!” They both froze. “Uh, ah – I mean, I just…” Backpedalling quickly, Aiba stumbled over his words and his shoulders drooped with dejection. “I- I know you have someone else, and I’m not going to– it’s just that…. I love you Sho-chan.” He confessed, humiliation colouring and heating his cheeks. “And I need to know that you loved me back once.”
Hearing his own thoughts reflected in the wishes of the younger man, Sho struggled to process this new information. He suddenly realised that Aiba was being painfully honest and that would have to answer like for like. Satoshi had been right; Aiba deserved the truth. “There is no one else Masaki.” He admitted. “Not really. It was just one date.”
“Eh?”
“I just thought it would be easier for you if you thought so.” He went on. “I thought it would be more acceptable for you that way.”
Aiba gazed at the older man. His expression resigned, he told Sakurai exactly how he felt. “I don’t want to accept it Sho-chan. I don’t want it to be over between us. But if you don’t want to be with me…. I’ll do whatever you want, even if that means staying away from you in private.”
The caster could not seem to wrap his head around the current situation. “That’s not what I want.” He replied at length.
“Then what about you? What do you want Sho-chan?” The tall man asked, returning Sakurai’s earlier question and slowly closing the gap between them.
“I just want you to have a normal future Masaki. I want you to be happy.”
“I am happy, Sho-chan.” Aiba stated firmly, belying the tearstains that marred his cheeks. “When I’m with you. And if you’re not dating anyone, that makes me feel even better because…”
“Huh?” Sakurai took half a step back as Aiba moved close and smiled over him.
“At least I won’t feel guilty if I do this-” Tenderly, Aiba leaned in and pressed his lips to the mouth of the shorter man.
The kiss was light and fairly chaste, but it was enough. Both his mind and his heart were in turmoil, but suddenly, Sakurai knew exactly what he had to do. Embracing the man in one final, fierce hug, Sakurai gently but firmly broke away.
“Sho-chan…?”
“I’ll see you later Aiba-chan.” The caster replied simply as he made his way purposefully towards the door.
“What–?”
“No more mistakes, Masaki,” Sho informed him resolutely as he left the room. “…I promise.”
Aiba nodded; he understood.
To be continued…
On to CHAPTER 10
_________________________
We’re so close to the end now… I’m gonna miss this story.
*sobs*
FANFARE!!!! Da Da DAAA~
DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND the next update will be on: Thursday 3rd September!!! (Followed by the final instalment on Saturday 5th.) If you want to keep track of this story and its progress, check out my post [HERE] I’ll keep it updated with any new information.
Comments, criticisms, opinions and ideas are all welcome! ♥
Additional Note:
I currently have two One-shots lined up by request and a secret CRACK!project in the works. After that, well, I have nothing planned, and seeing as most of the stuff I write is by request, I’m going to ask: What would you like me to write? Do you have a plot bunny you want to give to a new loving home? You can request anything. I’ll give it a shot, and if I’ll let you know right away whether I’ll be able to do it or not. (I’ll also create a list on my Fanfiction Navigation page so you can see where you’re request is in line.) 8D
Feel free to ignore my talk and comment on the story instead. ^.^’ Even though my note is nearly as long as this chapter…… -_-
