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Verse Two: Holy Scriptures
This one took a little longer than I planned simply because Real Life butted in. It’s written a little differently from my previous Arashi Bible story, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. It is also punctuated with “Lessons” from Arashi themselves. (And one from Management…) I have also been working on a completely original Arashi Gospel (ie: not ganked from a vid) for which I am in need of a beta reader. So, if there is anyone who wants to volenteer let me know, okay?
Title: The Gospel According to Arashi ~ Holy Scriptures
Rating: U
Genre: Comedy/Parody/Religious Literature?
Pairing: None
Word Count: 800
Type: Stand-alone
Summary: Not to be taken seriously. It’s the second part of the Arashi Bible. Each part is basically a stand alone story, so knowledge of previous installments is NOT required, but can be found here: GATA ~ Genisis
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the people depicted in this fiction. I just borrowed them for entertainment purposes... Oh, and this one comes from the backstage cam in Sendai from Toku-tsu.
VERSE TWO: HOLY SCRIPTURES
And so it came to pass that the Virgin Mother Sakurai did seek to faithfully record Events Most Holy and show unto the world the Secrets of The Divine Brotherhood. Firstly He did invite His followers into the abode of The Divine Brotherhood, The Palace of Thrifty Thinkers. Or, as it is known to Unbelievers, a random hostel in Sendai.
Thoughtfully, the Virgin Mother did beseech His Elder, Cardinal Passive to pass on His wisdom to the people. Whereupon the Elder, with Wisdom Most Obvious, did advise His people to look to the Great White Tablet of Knowledge and follow its sacred word. The Great White Tablet contains the most important testaments of the Holy Arashi Bible.
The key to Heaven shall be granted to those who present themselves in accordance to the Holy Testament.
Verily did the Virgin Mother stress the teachings of the Great White Tablet of Knowledge ere He did seek new counsel. And Mother Sakurai did implore the wisdom of Saint Aiba of Stupid. The Virgin Mother desired instruction from Saint Aiba on how the people should practice their faith. With customary lofty spirits, He of the Ridiculously Long Limbs did address the Faithful.And thus Saint Aiba of Stupid did perform the Failed Handstand of Over Enthusiasm. Whereupon, Saint Aiba thought this teaching alone enough for the people, and the Virgin Mother disagreed. And Brother Hamburger Hands did object mightily, and did ask Saint Aiba to clarify His teachings. Yea, the Being of Eternal Snark did deride His fellow and demand a Lesson of Nominal Interest. And, at the insistence of His Brother, Saint Aiba did demonstrate the most basic of religious practices that had been handed down by the Supreme God of Everything.
Devoutly, the tallest Brother did execute the Backflip of Bendy Brothers and did conclude His teaching. Verily, Brother Hamburger Hands did exclaim loudly that He had failed to record the Sermon of Saint Aiba of Stupid. For Brother Hamburger Hands likely had on His mind other matters of Great Importance; such as developing a new stratagem for defeating the Master of All Evil, Sephiroth. But such a stipulation cannot be confirmed.
Those who bend over backwards for the sake of others shall be rewarded in accordance to Gods will.
And so the Virgin Mother Sakurai did decide to offer His own lesson to the people and did press Saint Aiba into His service. He did extol the virtues of The Palace of Thrifty Thinkers but did abjure such wasteful luxury; for the entire world had learned that the Virgin Mother was the most economical of the five Divine Brothers. Verily, the Virgin Mother explained the abundance of space accorded the Brothers within Their private apartments. Whereupon, Saint Aiba did state such excess could be lonesome and the Virgin Mother agreed.Thusly, He of the Decorative Muscles did describe His Eco Space Saving Policy. The Virgin Mother had summoned Brother Hamburger Hands to share His space and sought to reveal His private chamber to His followers. And so it was that the Virgin Mother did discover Brother Hamburger Hands and Cardinal Passive upon His virginal bed, locked in an Embrace Most Scandalous. And the sight did mar the purity of the Virgin Mother and He did remind the two Brothers that He was recording His lesson for the people.
Swiftly, Brother Hamburger Hands and He of Questionable Taste did vacate their presence in each others arms. Surely, this act later led to the formation of a particular sect within Arashianism: The Ohmiya-ites: Dedicating their lives to the exclusive worship of Cardinal Passive and His Sharp-Tongued Wife.
Having been interrupted from contemplating further Intriguing Possibilities, Brother Hamburger Hands did greet the Virgin Mother with little cheer. Yea, the pure mind of the Virgin Mother Sakurai could not understand the lesson of the sleepy Brothers and did retreat in haste, to seek the counsel of another.
Enlightenment shall be granted to those who embrace the teachings of Arashi above all else.
Verily, the Virgin Mother did come to the chamber of Brother Sadism and did find the youngest Brother deep in meditation. He of the Ever Changing Hair was studying Scriptures Most Holy, of Fists and of North Stars. And the Virgin Mother did approve His devotion as He sought Brother Sadisms counsel, and reverently He did quote the Sacred Atatatata.Heretofore, Brother Sadism did look to Cardinal Passive and query the lesson of the Elder. Thusly He did also extol the wisdom of the Holy Scriptures. And there was much merriment.
Peace unto those who are faithful to the word of the Holy Texts.
And yea, the Virgin Mother did bid goodnight to Brother Sadism, and yea He did bid goodnight to Saint Aiba of Stupid, also. Finally, Mother Sakurai did bid goodnight to the Elder among them. And verily, as reward for His efforts, Cardinal Passive did display a measure of Heavens Bounty. And He did appear unto the people without pants and did allow them to see His Legs of Short But Sexy Magnificence.And as night fell, the five Divine Brothers did take unto their beds and did offer payers unto the Supreme God of Everything. And mightily four Brothers did thank the heavens that Brother Sadism was not truly a morning person.
End
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A Third Verse can now be found HERE
That’s all for this time gentle readers. Take care, and may the Divine Brother bless you….
Comments and criticisms welcomed, of course! ^_^
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OMG. I read The first one and thought it couldnt get better.
It Did <3
LMAO. I Love you for writing this <333
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'Enlightenment shall be granted to those who embrace the teachings of Arashi above all else.'
Amen.
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^__^
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I think I have found my bible. This is brilliant. The Ohmiya-ite bible. Amen.
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Thank you for reading, and taking the time to comment!
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loved it~! <3
btw, is it hard to write in this style? There are a lot of words and grammatical know-hows that are harder to grasp when writing and it's impressive to see how much you've written, and are planning to write, in such a style.
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And your thought provoking question produced a small essay... sorry about that:
I wouldn't say that writing in this style is hard, but is is restrictive. Because the way it is written, it is a series of statements, to which I cannot add subtlety. Instead, I slam the main points home with blatant abuse of capitolization.
The language isn't that hard because I never went so far as to use old English (with thees and thous all over the place.) Although it is becoming harder to think of alternatives to Verily, Mightily and other suitably pretenious words.
In a way, it's easier because it's like glorified bullet points, and yet more difficult because I have to string them together into a story laced with humor. I can't really know if it's working or not because I know what I'm writting about. And so I look to you guys, who read it and leave comments, to see what works and what doesn't. But then, that's true for all fanfic writers.
End mini essay...
(I should come with a disclaimer myself, "my fanfics may be short and to the point, but if asked a suitable question I am annoyingly verbose.") Anyway, thank you for always reading and commenting!
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you seem to have a good grasp of this method though ^_____^ plus, it's incredibly enjoyable to read your work XD so its not a problem to comment, more like, try to stop me? XD
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"..the formation of a particular sect within Arashianism: The Ohmiya-ites: Dedicating their lives to the exclusive worship of Cardinal Passive and His Sharp-Tongued Wife."
I am very much an Ohmiya-ite :)
My fave part was probably -
"as reward for His efforts, Cardinal Passive did display a measure of Heavens Bounty. And He did appear unto the people without pants and did allow them to see His Legs of Short But Sexy Magnificence."
Pure awesome!
Thank you so much for writing this!
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Ohmos legs may not have the same reputation as Sakurai, but they are still nicer than any (mortal) man has a right to dammit. It makes girls look bad.
And thank you for reading and commenting!
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It's so nice when I can see that someone liked my writing enough to actually explore my other fics. Thank You!
Yes... The Arashi Gospel, my first (and only, so far) attempt at deliberate humour. I'm thinking about writing more to it but it's kind of hard to find vids that would lend themselves to being 'rewritten' into the Gospel. >,<
Oh, well, I'll just have to come up with something original, huh?
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Dry humor does not type up well.no subject
true, but it's still funnyno subject
Good lord (by which I mean the GREAT ARASHI, of course), it's so hard to find people who understand the tone of my humor.
Even amongst the Faithful, you know, there are many who misinterpret my own holy words. Still, as an Arashian, we must all share the Ghei-Rainbow-Sparkly Love and forgive the lesser beings. For they know not that which brings us such joy and it falls to us to educate them in the ways of Shiney Rhinestone Boybands and immpossible boats.
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Indeed, some need the
fangirlsdevout missionaries to explain...But all shall be forgiven, as the crackfulness of the sparkley ones will convert even the most dubious of believers.no subject
'He of the Decorative Muscles'
You totally make my day xD
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"The Ohmiya-ites: Dedicating their lives to the exclusive worship of Cardinal Passive and His Sharp-Tongued Wife." and
"And verily, as reward for His efforts, Cardinal Passive did display a measure of Heavens Bounty. And He did appear unto the people without pants and did allow them to see His Legs of Short But Sexy Magnificence."
So true and yet so funny *lol*
Thanks!
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It's funny because it's true.
Ah, the things they film themselves doing for our entertainment are epic in their own right!
Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Thanks for writing. Really, it's such a blast reading your stuff.
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It's a blast to write too. Mostly becuase it give me an excuse to go back and rewatch some of Arashi's most Epic! cracktastic moments.
As if I need an excuse...